I'm not quite inspired enough right now to write the poem that I've got brewing in my mind so I'll just write a journal that's going to hopefully cover the same thing and then poem, maybe prose, but hopefully poem it later. All my life i've been good with people, knowing how to help them, give them advice, point them in the right direction, and all that sort of thing. And I've only now just realized that all of the girls that i've gone out with (well not all by far but nearly all the ones that i've had fuller relationships with) have always needed something.
Whether I had to mend a broken heart, help them through a tough family time, make them happy in a way that most people cant, take them away, even if it's only for a little while, or support them with what they really wanted when they feel like no one else can or could do it right. It's just been a knack I have, i know how to listen, and i've been though and done enough to really emphathaize because i've probably been there, or somewhere like it.
This is all fine and good and respectable, however that is exactly what got me into trouble. They all needed me for something, making them dependant on me, then when that would get fixed there would be something else, and i could help there too. I could do the same thing as a friend. But by going out with them, they'd get attached too much so and I wouldn't really be happy. Then in the end I would end up leaving and they would be crushed for a bit and then move on and in general end up being better off. I however still didn't have what I was looking for and would keep looking, then find another that i'd have to fix, get into a relationship and then mess it all up again.
And somehow outside walking around at 4:40 in the morning I relized my problem. I've always seen myself as Lancelot. Not Gallahad or Arthur, i was never the king or the very upstanding Gallahad. I was Lancelot, ruled by emotion and gut instinct, living how he would, doing as he pleased. Now you remmeber the story, Arthur leaves, Lancelot steals Marion from Arthur while he's off at battle. That's my personality, Lancelot wanted Marion, he knew that he shouldn't, he knew that he was betraying his king, and that by all rights of logic and concious thought he shouldn't do it. But his passion is what made him do it, and what got him in trouble, and yet his noble self is still why he took what was coming to him in the end. That's me.
Now lets look at Lancelot. He's save many villages and people in his life, all whom have needed him in some way, but he didn't get sucked in and stay around to help them for everything, he helped them and moved on. Then he finds Marion and she needs nothing. She doesn't need him to save her, or help her, and least of all love her. She doesn't need it, but she shared the same sort of passion for Lancelot.
That's exactly what i've needed to find but haven't. I've always saved a little village and hung around too long which does nothing but cause trouble for myself, because despite the fact that yes I had done good, I was causing pain in a different area.
So that's why I like her. She doesn't need me, hasn't ever, and probably never will. She doesn't want to be saved, and sure as hell doesn't need to, She's more than strong enough on her own. Now that's one half of the equation, I can't tell how she feels, with her I'm completely inept with what she's really saying, and how she really means things, she knows that and uses it to her advantage, to keep me guessing, and on edge, and knows to some extent how far she can push that. Ok so I can tell why I still like her after all this time, however I couldn't tell you for the life of me what started it, why I chose her from the beginning, within seconds really, and why it stuck. Sure I've chosen that quickly before, and I could always see why after a week or two, and then be able to let it go, however with this one I'm still waiting.
So naturally you can see why this is so difficult to express in poetry but I think in the end it'll really end up being worth it. I'll post the final up on here, as well as the DA, because I figure if you guys are still coming to read it, I should at least somewhat update it, even if it's just links to the DA ones, I'll go through

I wonder if you think of me.

I wonder if you know I care.

I wonder if you know how beautiful you are.

I wonder if you've known my secret all along.

I wonder if you just don't care.

I wonder if it's because I'm cash in the bag.

I wonder if i should play hard to get.

I wonder if I could.

I wonder if you knew I wanted you from the beginning.

I wonder if he knew I wanted you.

I wonder if I can be better than him.

I know I am better than him.

I know... but I still wonder.

So this place will probably be sadly neglected for a good bit, i may use this as my Tech journal, depending on how this whole livejournal thing goes. It will get occasionally updated, probably like it does now. Anyway. the DA is at http://likwidoxigen.deviantart.com

~Bryce Leo

Gah, ok so i spent some time working on this one, but I just don't like it, but since i spent time on it I figured why not post it. Advanced Critique encouraged.

v3
It's all about how well you act,
And it's all about that script you write.
They'll never see.
It's all about your anonymity,
And it's all about how you fake it.
They'll never know.
It's all about the time you give it.
And it's all about your molting hours.
They'll never have the time.
It's all about the innocence you lose,
And it's all about the innocence you take.
They'll never have any.
It's all about the silent questions,
And it's all about the silent screams.
They'll never listen.


v2
It's all about how well you act.
They never saw you.
It's all about your anonymity.
They never new you.
It's all about how you fake it.
They never knew the truth.
It's all about the time you give it.
They never had the time anyway.
It's all about the innocence you lose.
They never had any.
It's all about tomorrows that never come.
They never wanted them.
It's all about the silent questions.
They never answered them anyway.


V1
It's all about how well you act.
They never saw you anyway.
It's all about the anonymity.
They never new you anyway.
It's all about how you fake it.
They never knew the truth anyway.
It's all about the time you give it.
They never had the time anyway.
It's all about the innocence you lose.
They never had it anyway.
It's all about tomorrows that never come.
They never wanted them anyway.
It's all about the silent questions.
They never answered anyway.

This will be changed to be more bitter, and possibly crude, I'm pretty unhappy with how it turned out, but thats why things get re-written.


I'm your dirty little secret.
Dress me up in your pretty words,
Like the lace and silk dresses of your dolls.
I'm still the grass stain on your wedding dress.
I'm still the coffee on your white shirt.
Bleach me, Dye me, Hide me, i'm still inside.
I'm your dirty little secret.
Cover me with your expensive make-up,
Like your beautiful face in the mirror.
I"m still the ink spot on your jeans.
I'm still the dirt on your socks.
Bleach me, Dye me, Hide me, i'm still inside.
I'm your dirty little secret.

This piece was inspired by people watching at a Phi Tau party. I'm such a natural wallflower sometimes.

Sweat Sweat Sweat.
It's time to get it on.
Twist turn dodge run.
Just go around and mingle.
Heat, stick, sickly sweet.
Press in, press close, man up.
Talk, turn, drink, and blend.
Bodies twisting, bidies turning, bodies mashing.
Liquid courage, hazed perception.
Free love, pickless pickiness.
Time to get it on.
Touch, tingle, tempt, tease.
My roommate's out tonight.
Step, stroke, entwine, beckon.
Rides are leaving, private parties are beginning.
My place, your place, soon.
Calm tension, wait.
Walk, talk, kiss.
Bed, floor, left, top, bottom, right.
Charming, strange, loveless, soulful.
Loud, quiet, wicked, wild.
The silent sounds of the party child.

There's only us, There's only this.
There's this confused moment of now.
This hazy time of tomorrow.
And a crystalline structure of yesterday.
There's no more time to think.
There's no more time for this.
It's time to stand up, man up, live up.
Forget regret, Or life is yours to miss.

I walked yesterday,
Walked right up to the very universe.
And I asked it...
I asked it if it hated me.
It looked down.
Way down from all knowing heights.
And says,
Says that, I am what I am.
Says that, I do what I do.
You must take me as I come.
And as you change I change.
You dictate my existance.
You dictate my life.
If you are hated my me,
You are hated by yourself.
I change because you change.
I Love because you Love.
And I Hate because you Hate.
Let go of me, and embrace yourself.
And as you embrace yourself. realize...
You are embracing me.


I've decided that I don't like this one, i dunno why but i just don't like it.

Take me.
Touch me.
Use me.
Hurt me
Hate me.
Anything...
Just so you know that I'm alive.
Hurt me a thousand times.
If that's what it takes...
Just to keep your eyes dry
And kill me a thousand ways
If that's what it takes....
Just to let your anger go.
I'm stong, I can take it.

I don't know what makes you think you know me,
I don't know what makes you think you have me figured out.
You don't.
You never will if you keep this up.
You can't classify me the way that you want.
You can't toss me into just one shallow pool of stereotype.
You can't pretend that it truly describes who I am.
Is that why you don't give me a chance?
Is that why I'm so disposable?
Are you afraid of who I am?
Afraid that I've been enough places to help?
Been enough places to have felt the hurt?
Is it your independance?
Is it your bravado?
Is it your energy?
Is it your bitter outlook?
Is it your oddities?
Is that what makes you so beautiful....
Is that why you confuse me so much?
Is that why...
    you're like me....
          maybe.
                 Just maybe.