I'm not quite inspired enough right now to write the poem that I've got brewing in my mind so I'll just write a journal that's going to hopefully cover the same thing and then poem, maybe prose, but hopefully poem it later. All my life i've been good with people, knowing how to help them, give them advice, point them in the right direction, and all that sort of thing. And I've only now just realized that all of the girls that i've gone out with (well not all by far but nearly all the ones that i've had fuller relationships with) have always needed something.
Whether I had to mend a broken heart, help them through a tough family time, make them happy in a way that most people cant, take them away, even if it's only for a little while, or support them with what they really wanted when they feel like no one else can or could do it right. It's just been a knack I have, i know how to listen, and i've been though and done enough to really emphathaize because i've probably been there, or somewhere like it.
This is all fine and good and respectable, however that is exactly what got me into trouble. They all needed me for something, making them dependant on me, then when that would get fixed there would be something else, and i could help there too. I could do the same thing as a friend. But by going out with them, they'd get attached too much so and I wouldn't really be happy. Then in the end I would end up leaving and they would be crushed for a bit and then move on and in general end up being better off. I however still didn't have what I was looking for and would keep looking, then find another that i'd have to fix, get into a relationship and then mess it all up again.
And somehow outside walking around at 4:40 in the morning I relized my problem. I've always seen myself as Lancelot. Not Gallahad or Arthur, i was never the king or the very upstanding Gallahad. I was Lancelot, ruled by emotion and gut instinct, living how he would, doing as he pleased. Now you remmeber the story, Arthur leaves, Lancelot steals Marion from Arthur while he's off at battle. That's my personality, Lancelot wanted Marion, he knew that he shouldn't, he knew that he was betraying his king, and that by all rights of logic and concious thought he shouldn't do it. But his passion is what made him do it, and what got him in trouble, and yet his noble self is still why he took what was coming to him in the end. That's me.
Now lets look at Lancelot. He's save many villages and people in his life, all whom have needed him in some way, but he didn't get sucked in and stay around to help them for everything, he helped them and moved on. Then he finds Marion and she needs nothing. She doesn't need him to save her, or help her, and least of all love her. She doesn't need it, but she shared the same sort of passion for Lancelot.
That's exactly what i've needed to find but haven't. I've always saved a little village and hung around too long which does nothing but cause trouble for myself, because despite the fact that yes I had done good, I was causing pain in a different area.
So that's why I like her. She doesn't need me, hasn't ever, and probably never will. She doesn't want to be saved, and sure as hell doesn't need to, She's more than strong enough on her own. Now that's one half of the equation, I can't tell how she feels, with her I'm completely inept with what she's really saying, and how she really means things, she knows that and uses it to her advantage, to keep me guessing, and on edge, and knows to some extent how far she can push that. Ok so I can tell why I still like her after all this time, however I couldn't tell you for the life of me what started it, why I chose her from the beginning, within seconds really, and why it stuck. Sure I've chosen that quickly before, and I could always see why after a week or two, and then be able to let it go, however with this one I'm still waiting.
So naturally you can see why this is so difficult to express in poetry but I think in the end it'll really end up being worth it. I'll post the final up on here, as well as the DA, because I figure if you guys are still coming to read it, I should at least somewhat update it, even if it's just links to the DA ones, I'll go through

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